My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations — John Green

Archive for April, 2012

Guilt on an Anniversary

I am still not sure if I want to talk about this. Not sure if I have anything of value to say. But the point of this whole mess is to write about what’s on my mind, what I’m stuck on.

Today I’m stuck on a year ago.
I could go through the usual thing, where I tell you the story of where I was and how terrified I was, but that’s not how this story goes. This is a terrible and also happy story for me.

In short, one year ago today, a tornado tore a path of destruction through my home town.

There are some reasons I am conflicted about sharing my part in this. Many people are condemning the freshmen who are currently wearing “We Remember” shirts. I was not here on that day. I’d just moved home from Tulane. I was in no state to be in school. I went to New Orleans for a concert at the end of the semester, mostly to celebrate surviving it. I saw four bands I love, ate some amazing food, and hung out on a blanket in Woldenborg Park for like 6 hours straight. I felt all right. For about 5 minutes.

I wasn’t here. This is my home, it was torn apart and I wasn’t here. I couldn’t have known, but I didn’t check my phone for hours that day. I could’ve…something. I could’ve done something.
And I feel completely, crushingly, terribly guilty about it.
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Side Effects?

I think I’ve begun to encounter my first taste of side effects.
It’s nothing awful, but it’s taking me longer to get used to the higher dosage. Yesterday I kept getting dizzy for seemingly no reason. My appetite is off. Usually I’m not terribly hungry, but I make myself eat because I know I need to. I keep forgetting to eat until it’s 9pm and my blood sugar is so low I’m falling asleep. Also last night I had a very hard time getting to sleep. I was awake until about 2:30 and I woke up at 6:30 and I was just wide awake. I knew there was no hope in getting back to sleep so I ended up trying to work on a paper that’s due tonight.
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Quick Update

So I just left my psychiatrist’s and she decided to up my dose because I haven’t been having any side effects, but I’ve still been having compulsions a bit. I took my new dosage today and now I’m at work and I feel a little funny, but overall good. It just may take me a little bit to get used to feeling…normal.

Also, my cousin is having a baby! Right now! For someone who doesn’t really like children, I’m VERY EXCITED!!

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Skepticon-kitten

Skepticon-kitten

You’ve probably seen it by now, but it just made me so happy.

Only Skepticon would have a billboard this spectacular. It’s absolutely perfect and makes me that much more excited for November.

I See Professional People

As I’ve mentioned, I’m mostly blogging in order to sort out my feelings/thoughts on my Mental Health Thing, which doesn’t really have an exact diagnosis currently.  I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression for a long, long time. I had a really bad episode about a year and a half ago when I started college. In short, I ended up moving home from a private, fancy university to go to the state school that was in my hometown. It turns out I’m really glad I did, but that’s another story.

So in the past couple months I’ve started having some compulsions. One specific one, really. I used to be kind of devout for 3 years or so and I had a prayer I would say that encompassed everything I felt needed to be said at once, which was convenient, but I got into the habit of saying it without thinking. That used to bother me because I wasn’t praying “right”, like my heart wasn’t in it. Well, now I’ve been saying it and it’s annoying cause I’m an atheist running around praying all day. That was what really gave me the push to go get some professional help with the whole thing. I’d been functioning well enough (but not that well) to think I could get out of the woods by myself, but I didn’t want to get into an obsessive situation.

So I’ve only been to my psychiatrist once, but these are my initial thoughts.

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Some Questions

As I sit on the massive quadrangle in the middle of my university, I keep being reminded of something that hit me hard at the Reason Rally. I can’t even remember who said it, but they ended their speech with, “Why isn’t this world enough for you?”

I don’t even mean the stuff. I type this on an iPad with a keyboard that attaches to it straight through the air, but just the straight up, untouched, crazy, natural world. How can you look at that and think you’re important? I’m sitting on a pillow of soft green grass. There are birds chirping all around. The sun warms my back. How do you want more? I don’t think I’m worthy of what we do have, but that’s not the point. It doesn’t matter what I deserve, because against all kinds of crazy odds, we are here. We have this one world and it’s aweesome.
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Obligatory Introduction Post

Mm. Hi. Not sure how you stumbled here, but: Hello, how’s your mom? Is school okay? How bout that new job?
Great!
I’m Laura and I’m (currently as of 2012) a sophomore at the University of Alabama, this weird place that is good and bad all at once and we can talk about it later if you want (read: if I want). I’m studying Psychology and Anthropology are my majors and I’m minoring in this little controversy called Evolutionary Studies. (Seriously there are 4 programs for it in the world and one is in Alabama!?)
I was born here, I was raised here (although I’ve got family all over everywhere), and I went away and then I got sick.

That’s what this blog is about. I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression for a while and I’m finally Seeing Someone, which is the only good euphemism I’ve come up with. Also whatever else I feel like, which will probably be books and scifi and atheist-stuff and cons and youtube.

Yay!