As I’ve mentioned, I’m mostly blogging in order to sort out my feelings/thoughts on my Mental Health Thing, which doesn’t really have an exact diagnosis currently. I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression for a long, long time. I had a really bad episode about a year and a half ago when I started college. In short, I ended up moving home from a private, fancy university to go to the state school that was in my hometown. It turns out I’m really glad I did, but that’s another story.
So in the past couple months I’ve started having some compulsions. One specific one, really. I used to be kind of devout for 3 years or so and I had a prayer I would say that encompassed everything I felt needed to be said at once, which was convenient, but I got into the habit of saying it without thinking. That used to bother me because I wasn’t praying “right”, like my heart wasn’t in it. Well, now I’ve been saying it and it’s annoying cause I’m an atheist running around praying all day. That was what really gave me the push to go get some professional help with the whole thing. I’d been functioning well enough (but not that well) to think I could get out of the woods by myself, but I didn’t want to get into an obsessive situation.
So I’ve only been to my psychiatrist once, but these are my initial thoughts.
Overall, it was better than it could’ve been and I’m satisfied. The psychiatrist is just the medicine doctor, so I don’t have to see her very often and I probably could have done much worse. I had a couple recommendations from friends in our SSA group for one of the doctors at a clinic on campus, but I ended up getting a first available with another one there. She was nice and did a small double take at the atheist thing, but recovered well. Were I anywhere else, I might ask for more, but in the middle of the bible belt, I will take what I can get. She wanted to focus on whether my prayer was a fear thing or just a plain, useless compulsion and it’s definitely not a fear thing. I just say the same thing over and over in my head and sometimes stop midsentence to say it.
So, I’ve got an appointment to start counseling and a prescription for ol’ school Prozac. It’s been a couple weeks and I haven’t had any terrible side effects yet. I have been praying less, but I knew it wouldn’t just be like a flip of a switch so I’m looking forward to actually seeing a counselor.