I’m sitting on the living room floor, smoking hookah and watching Bill Nye, My Little Pony, Hellsing Abridged, and Adventure Time. Not at once, of course. I was crocheting a baby blanket a few minutes ago. I’m drinking from a mug I painted with a pink shark puking a rainbow.
I like this.
I love this.
I am as happy as I get. I relish these moments. I feel Good. I fit here. I rarely feel like anything but, for fear of sounding trite, a square peg in a round hole.
I know there are many, many square pegs. I know this does not make me a Special Snowflake. But I feel like myself.
However, I have now, finally, managed to find a bunch of square pegs to surround myself with. I even see a couple square holes into which I could see myself fitting.
Now, I don’t believe in luck, but I feel pretty lucky. I don’t feel that I deserve this life. Sometimes it’s because I don’t think I deserve a brain that fights me every time I try to do anything logical. Sometimes it’s because I don’t think I deserve the kick ass people of whom I’ve stumbled across.
That’s how it feels.
I am just walking around, kind of color blind and confused, running into people and situations and ideas.
Sometimes those ideas suck.
Sometimes those people suck.
You get the idea.
Every now an then, and I still feel like its less than for “normal” people (read: no one is “normal”, these people only exist as the antagonists in romantic comedies and young adult books*), but once in a blue moon, those people make my heart soar. Those situations make me spin around because my emotions are going through the roof. Those ideas make my brain think harder, feel more truly, and cement myself in my stance.
That makes me so HAPPY. In awe and happy. I have touched on this before, in my first post. I can’t fathom anything better than this. I’ve already beat all the odds to simply exist. I don’t need to be saved from this life. I love this life. It hurts and it sucks and it is confusing. But it wouldn’t be so great if it didn’t have those parts.
One of my tattoos is pretty much about this. I love all the things.
I was originally going to end that sentence with “that this life has given me”, but that’s not what I mean.
I love all the things.
I love all the people.
I love all the emotions.
*Now, young adult books rock. Please don’t think I am confused about this. YA is most of what I read. YA is in your head. YA knows that you think everyone else has it Made. YA also knows that you actually happen to have it Made. And YA lets you know.