I know, it’s been far too long!
So, a few things which I will elaborate on hopefully after the list, maybe later.
1. My medicine is Good. When I manage to take it at the appropriate times.
2. I am currently sitting in the ballroom for Skepticon. There is a massive church group packing meals next door. That is a thing.
3. I’m FINALLY going to get to start my animal studies project and present some in the spring. (this is exciting, if you’re unsure)
Yeah, I’ve made a switch to two 10g doses one in the morning, one at lunch time. I’m, you know, handling things. It’s good. It’s something I hardly even know how to talk about because I’m just generally in shock. I can’t remember ever feeling like this. All of my memories of forcing myself to do things and the amount of energy it took to do everything. So, I’m getting used to it. Still. We’ll see.
Also! Skepticon! Yay!
So obviously I’ll have more to say when it’s over, but I’m super excited to be able to be here. I wasn’t sure I would be able to get here and I wasn’t sure where I was going to sleep, but we all figured it out.
I’ll likely post about this after I’ve done some more, but I’m rather excited to finally get some stuff done!!
So, I just arrived home from SSACon 2012. I promise I will tell you how amazing it was momentarily, but first I have a small apology/explanation.
This is Why I May Have Been a Dick at SSACon. (and also my wrap up of the con itself) (more…)
A few days ago I learned my aunt, who until recently was a doctor in a clinic at the UM medical school, has made plans to start a wellness center with a few of her friends.
My mother just returned from her brother’s 60th birthday party in Holland and we had a long conversation about how everyone in the family was doing and what was going on, as I was unable to attend. Turns out one of the ladies that my uncle used to date (who is 29 and married, apparently) is a massage therapist and the three of them, my aunt my mother and this woman my uncle was involved with, all bonded over their involvement with non-western forms of medicine.
I’ve had my fair share of experience with this stuff. My father took some reiki classes once upon a time. My mother is 100% sure she meditated her MS away. I have had a homeopath tell me never to consume milk again. I’ve done meditation classes and all kinds of breathing exercises. But, I have never before faced my family’s role in all of that from my perspective or even really asked myself how I deeply, truly feel about it. I’ve chewed on the whole thing for a few days and I think I’ve come to some conclusions. I think they may also be slightly unpopular opinions.
So since the regular world is about a week behind the Internet, I had a conversation with my boss today about the preacher who said gays should be fenced up.
I’ve been thinking lately about anonymity and my lack thereof. A friend just began blogging away from her pseudonym. I’ve had issues with my thoughts being ill-received in the past.
I tend to not think about it, as it’s easier to pretend I don’t need to keep my online life separate from, say, my work life. Today I was reminded how careful I need to be.
And how much that pisses me off.
A bit of background: I work in not quite the middle of nowhere, but we’re about 10 miles from the middle of town. It’s about 5 seconds from where I went to high school. It’s not so bad, but we definitely get more than our fair share of overalls.
So last night, one of my managers was talking to me about how she’s seen a lot of people talking about racism and “gays” on Facebook recently. So she starts talking about her opinions on some pretty touchy subjects. I started feeling awkward because I didn’t think there was anything I could add to the conversation.
I’m sure we’re all aware of all the crazy that’s been cropping up recently.
Electric fences and death sentences for homosexuals.
Amateur snake-wranglers not learning from their father’s mistakes.
As I’ve grown more comfortable in myself and found more labels I actually like and want to use, I keep wondering where the line is drawn? I’ve never slept with someone of the same gender, but I’ve thought about it. What are the criteria for this? I want to go up to the bigots and ask. Ask where I fall on their scales of acceptability. If nothing more, maybe a completely (well, mostly) normal looking person showing up and trying to figure it out would tip them off that there is so much more of this than they can see. Nothing is even remotely close to binary here. These are the toughest questions and we read do not need to only get yes or no as answers.
I’m sitting on the living room floor, smoking hookah and watching Bill Nye, My Little Pony, Hellsing Abridged, and Adventure Time. Not at once, of course. I was crocheting a baby blanket a few minutes ago. I’m drinking from a mug I painted with a pink shark puking a rainbow.
I like this.
I love this.
I am as happy as I get. I relish these moments. I feel Good. I fit here. I rarely feel like anything but, for fear of sounding trite, a square peg in a round hole.
I know there are many, many square pegs. I know this does not make me a Special Snowflake. But I feel like myself.
However, I have now, finally, managed to find a bunch of square pegs to surround myself with. I even see a couple square holes into which I could see myself fitting.
Now, I don’t believe in luck, but I feel pretty lucky. I don’t feel that I deserve this life. Sometimes it’s because I don’t think I deserve a brain that fights me every time I try to do anything logical. Sometimes it’s because I don’t think I deserve the kick ass people of whom I’ve stumbled across.
That’s how it feels.
I am just walking around, kind of color blind and confused, running into people and situations and ideas.
Sometimes those ideas suck.
Sometimes those people suck.
You get the idea.
Every now an then, and I still feel like its less than for “normal” people (read: no one is “normal”, these people only exist as the antagonists in romantic comedies and young adult books*), but once in a blue moon, those people make my heart soar. Those situations make me spin around because my emotions are going through the roof. Those ideas make my brain think harder, feel more truly, and cement myself in my stance.
That makes me so HAPPY. In awe and happy. I have touched on this before, in my first post. I can’t fathom anything better than this. I’ve already beat all the odds to simply exist. I don’t need to be saved from this life. I love this life. It hurts and it sucks and it is confusing. But it wouldn’t be so great if it didn’t have those parts.
One of my tattoos is pretty much about this. I love all the things.
I was originally going to end that sentence with “that this life has given me”, but that’s not what I mean.
I love all the things.
I love all the people.
I love all the emotions.
*Now, young adult books rock. Please don’t think I am confused about this. YA is most of what I read. YA is in your head. YA knows that you think everyone else has it Made. YA also knows that you actually happen to have it Made. And YA lets you know.
As I sit on the massive quadrangle in the middle of my university, I keep being reminded of something that hit me hard at the Reason Rally. I can’t even remember who said it, but they ended their speech with, “Why isn’t this world enough for you?”
I don’t even mean the stuff. I type this on an iPad with a keyboard that attaches to it straight through the air, but just the straight up, untouched, crazy, natural world. How can you look at that and think you’re important? I’m sitting on a pillow of soft green grass. There are birds chirping all around. The sun warms my back. How do you want more? I don’t think I’m worthy of what we do have, but that’s not the point. It doesn’t matter what I deserve, because against all kinds of crazy odds, we are here. We have this one world and it’s aweesome.