I know, it’s been far too long!
So, a few things which I will elaborate on hopefully after the list, maybe later.
1. My medicine is Good. When I manage to take it at the appropriate times.
2. I am currently sitting in the ballroom for Skepticon. There is a massive church group packing meals next door. That is a thing.
3. I’m FINALLY going to get to start my animal studies project and present some in the spring. (this is exciting, if you’re unsure)
Yeah, I’ve made a switch to two 10g doses one in the morning, one at lunch time. I’m, you know, handling things. It’s good. It’s something I hardly even know how to talk about because I’m just generally in shock. I can’t remember ever feeling like this. All of my memories of forcing myself to do things and the amount of energy it took to do everything. So, I’m getting used to it. Still. We’ll see.
Also! Skepticon! Yay!
So obviously I’ll have more to say when it’s over, but I’m super excited to be able to be here. I wasn’t sure I would be able to get here and I wasn’t sure where I was going to sleep, but we all figured it out.
I’ll likely post about this after I’ve done some more, but I’m rather excited to finally get some stuff done!!
It’s taken me two months to get to this last appointment.
I spent all last night trying to figure out what I would say to my doctor. Whether I would tell her that sometimes I am fine. Sometimes I’m not even just fine. Sometimes I’m great. Some days I get up and I do everything I need to do that day. And then there are days that feel like weeks.
At least, currently, I know why i’m still having such an unstable time. I have a confession. I haven’t been taking my medicine. Yes, I know. It’s a terrible idea and I am genuinely upset with myself. The only excuse I have is that I just keep forgetting. I’m good enough that I’m usually not thinking about the fact that I’m not quite up to par. So I don’t think about it and I don’t remember to take my meds and then I’ll have a day where I end up crying just because I’m so tired of thinking destructively.
I’m at the point now where I know logically that my kneejerk reactions are problematic and usually I can see that it’s silly and either shut it down or ignore it, but when I’m not doing a good job of taking my meds it just bogs me down so much because I can’t get past it. It’s always there. It won’t go away and sometimes I just break down because there is no logical reason for the way I think and I don’t want to fight myself every second of every day. I just want to sit down and not. think. about. it.
Even today, I drove to my apartment after my appointment with the express intention of getting my medicine, splitting it into some baggies and putting some in my car, my school bag, and taking some to my boyfriend’s house. But of course, I walked in and thought,”Oh, I’ll make a sandwich first!” and before I knew it it was noon and I had to leave for class and I didn’t even think about my medicine until I got in the car.
So, how do you remember to take your meds? Because obviously my tricks aren’t working.
So I know it’s been a bit longer than usual, but I’ve been out of town Meeting The Proverbial Parent(s).
I’m actually on the way to a wedding right now. I’m far too young to date people who go to weddings. I’m sure of it.
However, small update: I left my meds at home(3 hours away) this week and initially I was really low, but I’m getting back to square one currently so I think I’m going to stay off until my appointment on Wednesday.
I’ve got some thoughts on Huntsville(where I’ve been all week), but I’ll save those till I’m home for good.
I have always had a lot of Feelings.
Capital F. Straight Up. All Day Erry Day Feelings.
The one thing I’ve always, always loved doing is helping people help themselves. It’s why I wanted to be a therapist for so long. It’s why I care about every single person who walks through my life. It’s why I share more than I “should” with people I don’t yet know completely.
Donovanable at Pervasive Goodness, one of the many blogs that reminded me how helpful it is, has decided to go seek professional help for her disordered eating. I am SO extremely proud and thankful and mostly amazed that I had anything to do with it. I forgot how good it feels to help someone and be thanked. I must admit, I did a small amount of emotional twirling last night.
Side note: if you aren’t already paying lots of attention to her, you should. She’s a fantastic lady and smart as hell.
So that’s why I’m taking Being Open seriously. It’s why I’m filling my prescriptions at work(a pharmacy). It’s why I’m not going to hide from the people I love. I know these things are hard, even impossible, to talk about for some, but it’s not quite as hard for me. Or at least I’m not going to let it be anymore. That’s why I’m documenting this. If even one(and already one!!) person sees that it’s okay to seek help, then I’ve exceeded my expectations here.
I think I’ve begun to encounter my first taste of side effects.
It’s nothing awful, but it’s taking me longer to get used to the higher dosage. Yesterday I kept getting dizzy for seemingly no reason. My appetite is off. Usually I’m not terribly hungry, but I make myself eat because I know I need to. I keep forgetting to eat until it’s 9pm and my blood sugar is so low I’m falling asleep. Also last night I had a very hard time getting to sleep. I was awake until about 2:30 and I woke up at 6:30 and I was just wide awake. I knew there was no hope in getting back to sleep so I ended up trying to work on a paper that’s due tonight.
So I just left my psychiatrist’s and she decided to up my dose because I haven’t been having any side effects, but I’ve still been having compulsions a bit. I took my new dosage today and now I’m at work and I feel a little funny, but overall good. It just may take me a little bit to get used to feeling…normal.
Also, my cousin is having a baby! Right now! For someone who doesn’t really like children, I’m VERY EXCITED!!
As I’ve mentioned, I’m mostly blogging in order to sort out my feelings/thoughts on my Mental Health Thing, which doesn’t really have an exact diagnosis currently. I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression for a long, long time. I had a really bad episode about a year and a half ago when I started college. In short, I ended up moving home from a private, fancy university to go to the state school that was in my hometown. It turns out I’m really glad I did, but that’s another story.
So in the past couple months I’ve started having some compulsions. One specific one, really. I used to be kind of devout for 3 years or so and I had a prayer I would say that encompassed everything I felt needed to be said at once, which was convenient, but I got into the habit of saying it without thinking. That used to bother me because I wasn’t praying “right”, like my heart wasn’t in it. Well, now I’ve been saying it and it’s annoying cause I’m an atheist running around praying all day. That was what really gave me the push to go get some professional help with the whole thing. I’d been functioning well enough (but not that well) to think I could get out of the woods by myself, but I didn’t want to get into an obsessive situation.
So I’ve only been to my psychiatrist once, but these are my initial thoughts.