My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations — John Green

Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

It’s been a while, or The General Random Topic MashPost

Yes!
Hi!
I know, it’s been far too long!

So, a few things which I will elaborate on hopefully after the list, maybe later.

1. My medicine is Good. When I manage to take it at the appropriate times.

2. I am currently sitting in the ballroom for Skepticon. There is a massive church group packing meals next door. That is a thing.

3. I’m FINALLY going to get to start my animal studies project and present some in the spring. (this is exciting, if you’re unsure)

Yeah, I’ve made a switch to two 10g doses one in the morning, one at lunch time. I’m, you know, handling things. It’s good. It’s something I hardly even know how to talk about because I’m just generally in shock. I can’t remember ever feeling like this. All of my memories of forcing myself to do things and the amount of energy it took to do everything. So, I’m getting used to it. Still. We’ll see.

Also! Skepticon! Yay!
So obviously I’ll have more to say when it’s over, but I’m super excited to be able to be here. I wasn’t sure I would be able to get here and I wasn’t sure where I was going to sleep, but we all figured it out.

Sciency things!
I’ll likely post about this after I’ve done some more, but I’m rather excited to finally get some stuff done!!

I’m not good at things.

It’s taken me two months to get to this last appointment.
I spent all last night trying to figure out what I would say to my doctor. Whether I would tell her that sometimes I am fine. Sometimes I’m not even just fine. Sometimes I’m great. Some days I get up and I do everything I need to do that day. And then there are days that feel like weeks.

At least, currently, I know why i’m still having such an unstable time. I have a confession. I haven’t been taking my medicine. Yes, I know. It’s a terrible idea and I am genuinely upset with myself. The only excuse I have is that I just keep forgetting. I’m good enough that I’m usually not thinking about the fact that I’m not quite up to par. So I don’t think about it and I don’t remember to take my meds and then I’ll have a day where I end up crying just because I’m so tired of thinking destructively.

I’m at the point now where I know logically that my kneejerk reactions are problematic and usually I can see that it’s silly and either shut it down or ignore it, but when I’m not doing a good job of taking my meds it just bogs me down so much because I can’t get past it. It’s always there. It won’t go away and sometimes I just break down because there is no logical reason for the way I think and I don’t want to fight myself every second of every day. I just want to sit down and not. think. about. it.

Even today, I drove to my apartment after my appointment with the express intention of getting my medicine, splitting it into some baggies and putting some in my car, my school bag, and taking some to my boyfriend’s house. But of course, I walked in and thought,”Oh, I’ll make a sandwich first!” and before I knew it it was noon and I had to leave for class and I didn’t even think about my medicine until I got in the car.

So, how do you remember to take your meds? Because obviously my tricks aren’t working.

SSA Wrap Up

So, I just arrived home from SSACon 2012. I promise I will tell you how amazing it was momentarily, but first I have a small apology/explanation.
This is Why I May Have Been a Dick at SSACon. (and also my wrap up of the con itself) (more…)

More Thoughts

After a couple days of Michael playing Bullshit and The Amazing Randi passive aggressively at me, I feel more sure of my answers. So instead of doing an edit you wouldn’t see unless you get past the cut, I decided I’d simply make a clarification post.

If it makes you feel better, I can’t tell you it’s bad for you. However, I will not allow you to call it medicine or, you know, take my money for it.

I still need to figure out how I feel about my family’s…feelings about it. The thing is, I know they don’t think it’s the same thing as medicine. I’m just not sure they understand the reasons that line needs to exist.

The Potentially Grey Area of Woo

A few days ago I learned my aunt, who until recently was a doctor in a clinic at the UM medical school, has made plans to start a wellness center with a few of her friends.

My mother just returned from her brother’s 60th birthday party in Holland and we had a long conversation about how everyone in the family was doing and what was going on, as I was unable to attend. Turns out one of the ladies that my uncle used to date (who is 29 and married, apparently) is a massage therapist and the three of them, my aunt my mother and this woman my uncle was involved with, all bonded over their involvement with non-western forms of medicine.
I’ve had my fair share of experience with this stuff. My father took some reiki classes once upon a time. My mother is 100% sure she meditated her MS away. I have had a homeopath tell me never to consume milk again. I’ve done meditation classes and all kinds of breathing exercises. But, I have never before faced my family’s role in all of that from my perspective or even really asked myself how I deeply, truly feel about it. I’ve chewed on the whole thing for a few days and I think I’ve come to some conclusions. I think they may also be slightly unpopular opinions.
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On The Proverbial Closets

So since the regular world is about a week behind the Internet, I had a conversation with my boss today about the preacher who said gays should be fenced up.

I’ve been thinking lately about anonymity and my lack thereof. A friend just began blogging away from her pseudonym. I’ve had issues with my thoughts being ill-received in the past.
I tend to not think about it, as it’s easier to pretend I don’t need to keep my online life separate from, say, my work life. Today I was reminded how careful I need to be.
And how much that pisses me off.
A bit of background: I work in not quite the middle of nowhere, but we’re about 10 miles from the middle of town. It’s about 5 seconds from where I went to high school. It’s not so bad, but we definitely get more than our fair share of overalls.
So last night, one of my managers was talking to me about how she’s seen a lot of people talking about racism and “gays” on Facebook recently. So she starts talking about her opinions on some pretty touchy subjects. I started feeling awkward because I didn’t think there was anything I could add to the conversation.
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Obligatory Mini Update

So I know it’s been a bit longer than usual, but I’ve been out of town Meeting The Proverbial Parent(s).
I’m actually on the way to a wedding right now. I’m far too young to date people who go to weddings. I’m sure of it.
However, small update: I left my meds at home(3 hours away) this week and initially I was really low, but I’m getting back to square one currently so I think I’m going to stay off until my appointment on Wednesday.
I’ve got some thoughts on Huntsville(where I’ve been all week), but I’ll save those till I’m home for good.