It’s taken me two months to get to this last appointment.
I spent all last night trying to figure out what I would say to my doctor. Whether I would tell her that sometimes I am fine. Sometimes I’m not even just fine. Sometimes I’m great. Some days I get up and I do everything I need to do that day. And then there are days that feel like weeks.
At least, currently, I know why i’m still having such an unstable time. I have a confession. I haven’t been taking my medicine. Yes, I know. It’s a terrible idea and I am genuinely upset with myself. The only excuse I have is that I just keep forgetting. I’m good enough that I’m usually not thinking about the fact that I’m not quite up to par. So I don’t think about it and I don’t remember to take my meds and then I’ll have a day where I end up crying just because I’m so tired of thinking destructively.
I’m at the point now where I know logically that my kneejerk reactions are problematic and usually I can see that it’s silly and either shut it down or ignore it, but when I’m not doing a good job of taking my meds it just bogs me down so much because I can’t get past it. It’s always there. It won’t go away and sometimes I just break down because there is no logical reason for the way I think and I don’t want to fight myself every second of every day. I just want to sit down and not. think. about. it.
Even today, I drove to my apartment after my appointment with the express intention of getting my medicine, splitting it into some baggies and putting some in my car, my school bag, and taking some to my boyfriend’s house. But of course, I walked in and thought,”Oh, I’ll make a sandwich first!” and before I knew it it was noon and I had to leave for class and I didn’t even think about my medicine until I got in the car.
So, how do you remember to take your meds? Because obviously my tricks aren’t working.