In the interest of being Completely Open, this is your warning. This will not be a happy post, but I am making it anyway. I do not want to talk about my headspace, but I am doing it anyway.
Confession: I’ve been avoiding the writing and the feeling and the doing.
The new dose is clearly off. Since I’ve been taking the 20mg pills, I’ve gotten worse. I’ve tried to get in touch with my doctor, but the receptionist hasn’t returned my calls. I know something isn’t quite right, but I can hardly muster the Give A Damn to do something about it. I haven’t stopped taking them because we haven’t gone over what can happen if you just stop, I’m not familiar with the side effects. And while I could probably very easily google them, here’s the kicker…
I’m comfortable like this.
This is how I am used to functioning. Not functioning, that is. This is charted territory. I have a little butt impression in the seat of melancholy.
But I’m restless. The whole point is that I don’t want this. And I know, logically, it can’t be an overnight fix, but I will admit that the main reason I went on medication in the first place was I needed to pass for acceptable for long enough to get Better. I knew it wouldn’t happen but I thought it could hold me over for long enough to get some serious fixing done. It did, even. I felt a good bit better on the smaller dose. I was still having some symptoms, but I was getting back to a place where I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Where I knew what the next step was. Where I could see myself being all right in the proverbial future.
And the first day of the higher dose, I had a moment of panic and epiphany and absolute shock in a way I can’t remember ever having before. I work as a cashier at a retail pharmacy and generally work is at best, not stimulating in any way. I went to work the first day of the higher dose and I was handling things. I didn’t have to try every second. I thought, “Oh. Oh my god. Is this what everyone feels like?” And I thought it was going to keep being like that. I told my parents how I was doing, the first formal update they’d gotten since I informed them of my appointment. They were proud I was getting the help I needed. They were surprised I had seen such a change, they didn’t know I was ever that bad.
Yes, it’s that time yet again. I have no idea where this semester went.
I just finished my first of three 8am finals. I was also, for the second time ever, given the amount of hours I was promised when hired at my job (25). The only other time that’s happened were when I worked all thanksgiving week, Thanksgiving itself, and a double on Black Friday.
It’s not actually so awful, but I’m beginning to think that maybe doubling my dose wasn’t the best idea. I haven’t been sleeping well and all my symptoms are as bad or worse than they were when I began taking medication. They’re not as bad as they’ve ever been, but still. I’m unsure whether it’s just the stress of this week or if it’s actually the wrong dosage, but I’m getting in touch with my doctor today to see if we can figure it out. I was really impressed with the first day I went up. I kept thinking, “Oh my god, is this how everyone always feels?” “Do people really not have to try every second of their life? They just…handle things?” So I think there’s some dose out there that’s right for me, this just may not be it.
So, yes, I’m a bit discouraged, but I’m trying not to let it get me down. I know we’ll figure it out.
I hope you all survive this week with your cognitive faculties mostly intact and I’ll see you on the other side!
I think I’ve begun to encounter my first taste of side effects.
It’s nothing awful, but it’s taking me longer to get used to the higher dosage. Yesterday I kept getting dizzy for seemingly no reason. My appetite is off. Usually I’m not terribly hungry, but I make myself eat because I know I need to. I keep forgetting to eat until it’s 9pm and my blood sugar is so low I’m falling asleep. Also last night I had a very hard time getting to sleep. I was awake until about 2:30 and I woke up at 6:30 and I was just wide awake. I knew there was no hope in getting back to sleep so I ended up trying to work on a paper that’s due tonight.
So I just left my psychiatrist’s and she decided to up my dose because I haven’t been having any side effects, but I’ve still been having compulsions a bit. I took my new dosage today and now I’m at work and I feel a little funny, but overall good. It just may take me a little bit to get used to feeling…normal.
Also, my cousin is having a baby! Right now! For someone who doesn’t really like children, I’m VERY EXCITED!!
As I’ve mentioned, I’m mostly blogging in order to sort out my feelings/thoughts on my Mental Health Thing, which doesn’t really have an exact diagnosis currently. I’ve dealt with anxiety and depression for a long, long time. I had a really bad episode about a year and a half ago when I started college. In short, I ended up moving home from a private, fancy university to go to the state school that was in my hometown. It turns out I’m really glad I did, but that’s another story.
So in the past couple months I’ve started having some compulsions. One specific one, really. I used to be kind of devout for 3 years or so and I had a prayer I would say that encompassed everything I felt needed to be said at once, which was convenient, but I got into the habit of saying it without thinking. That used to bother me because I wasn’t praying “right”, like my heart wasn’t in it. Well, now I’ve been saying it and it’s annoying cause I’m an atheist running around praying all day. That was what really gave me the push to go get some professional help with the whole thing. I’d been functioning well enough (but not that well) to think I could get out of the woods by myself, but I didn’t want to get into an obsessive situation.
So I’ve only been to my psychiatrist once, but these are my initial thoughts.